The Present as It Was

I always feel like I am running out of time, and also like I am always lost. College makes those odd and strange feelings of mine get worse and even more intense. I cannot seem to be able to go with the flow and fit in. I just cannot answer questions without the fear that I may be wrong or I may sound stupid. Everyone seems to know what they are saying or doing while I am confused and frustrated.

A lot of people are confident or well-prepared. They raise their hands to answer or ask, approach the professor after class, and are able to live like they are okay. Those people make me envious and small. How can they be like that? How can I be like this?

I do not think that I will be the kind of student who will ever feel good about what I know, what I can speak of, and what I can learn. I always feel like I am far behind everyone. Like I’m not enough. There is this fear of mine that often taps me on my shoulder and tells me that everyone thinks I am dumb, and that everyone is waiting for me to make a mistake. It is scary and quite disturbing. It turns me into a little girl who just wants to go home and seek comfort from something or someone because nobody, not even my playmates, can really tell me that it is going to be fine.

And then there’s Time.

I somehow hate going home and thinking of how much time I have left before I go to sleep. I feel so disappointed in life. I am pressured to do well in college just so I can secure myself of a good future, but what about my “now”? What about what I want to do right here right now? Does that matter? Do I really only have to think about my future? What if falling asleep tonight is my grand finale? Have I lived at all?

I want to live, be happy, discover things, explore the world.

I want to experience.

I hate everything I feel whenever I am back in my room. I am always reminded that my responsibilities have stolen every chance I have to actually feel alive. I have to study, read, and attend classes. I have to be a student, a daughter, and a friend. Yet as I do all those things, I feel so insecure. My responsibilities are eating my time away, as well as my own self-worth. I am running out of time, and everything that I need to do is eating the time I have left.

I am running out of time, yet, with all honesty, I want more. 

I am scared to realize that all this time I might have spent almost all of my entire life on something so vague and uncertain. And it is scary how grown-ups think that everyone should focus on goals and dreams. Yet I get that. However, it will still take some time for that future to become my reality.

But what if it doesn’t? 

What if I don’t get to live long enough to make it an actuality? What about what makes my present? What value do I give the present? What value do we give the present? We only realize its worth once it is a part of the past, and that is sad. Really, really sad. We are so focused on other things to even realize that we have been losing ourselves – that we are getting closer and closer to our expiration dates. We are all running out of time, and we are all wasting our time as we get close to dying.

How much of my life have I actually lived? How much of our lives have we actually lived?

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