I feel like I am undeserving of love and friendship just because of how fat and ugly I am. I have no thigh gap, flat stomach, tiny waist or a good pair of long legs. I am just the girl drowning in her insecurities and pouring her frustrations unto herself. I decorate myself with ugly scars–scars that might make people think that I am crazy or thirsty for attention–just to feel something else besides these guilt and hatred that I have for myself. I have stopped making batches of new scars, but I haven’t stopped hating myself. I try to change myself a lot just so I can accept myself. Yet, even if I do try to, there is always a point where I get back to the beginning where I feel that I am insignificant, worthless and invisible. It is getting harder each day, and I am getting tired.

The Darkness is the Sun

The Darkness is the Sun

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to replace the light coming from the sun with darkness? Let us just imagine it. Imagine the darkness passing through your curtains while you are doing something that may or may not be important. Imagine going outside and looking at the sun just to be greeted by dark rays. The rays love to touch the ground and make their presence obvious to us. What would it be like if the sun’s light became something that could not help you see. You are not blinded, but it makes you seem as though you are.

There are things that I cannot escape from no matter how hard I try to run away from them. No matter what I do, I am haunted by them. I have tried to get rid of them, but I cannot. Well, honestly, I do not even know how to. They like me very much, and they love making me feel like I should be buried already. They love to blame me for the things I have and have not done. They love to make me feel like I cannot trust anybody, and that I am always watched by others who can notice my flaws or who are judging me. They love to love me while I am hating myself more and more each day just because of how they make me see myself. They make me think that I should be ashamed of my own being. I know what they are doing to me, but I cannot stop them from doing the things that they do. They are my demons. And I am their victim.

The darkness is everywhere, and I can’t escape from it. The darkness is the sun, and I don’t even need to look at it directly to be blind.

Earphones On

I used to listen to music just so I can listen to the songs that I like. I used to listen just for entertainment. However, it’s not like that anymore.

Ever since the beginning of college, I have realized how dependent I’ve become of it. Every time I walk down the street, go to school, need to calm myself, want to cry, feel like dying, have no one, have so much emotions or feelings bottled up inside me, or almost anytime I can listen to music, I listen to it.

When I feel extremely anxious or depressed or triggered, I listen to songs. But it’s not enough. It’s a distraction, not an answer or solution.

The volume gets louder and louder the more triggered or anxious or depressed I am. It’s my only escape.

I just need to know that someone out there, someone I really know in person, will miss me when I’m gone. I have to know that once I disappear, someone can get the feeling of running in the forest as if he’s searching for an answer about my disappearance. I want to know that someone will feel like a miracle has just died. I have to know. Because I’m so done with myself. I just have to know that someone’s holding on for me.